“Cracked Out Husbands Do Cracked Out Stuff”

A spouse who hides a drug addiction can have profound and far-reaching consequences. Trust within the marriage is eroded, resulting in strained and often broken relationships.

The secrecy and deception involved can create an atmosphere of constant suspicion and anxiety. Financial problems often arise as the addicted person may divert funds meant for the family's well-being toward sustaining their addiction.

Overall, someone hiding a drug addiction can break the family bond, requiring intervention and support to address and heal the wounds caused by addiction.

My Story

My husband hid a drug problem from me for many years. I'll probably never know how long, but I believe it was no less than 10 years. Possibly longer. It began with financial problems, which led to emotional issues, spiritual upheaval and eventually legal ramifications.

I write this knowing I'm not the only one who has experienced this. Many others worldwide are married or dating someone who is a secret substance abuser as well. This is my story of the ramifications of secret drug abuse on my life, how I found out and how I escaped this situation.

It is my sincere hope that this story reaches and assists those who are also suffering from this type of deception and that my story can help you find the truth.

Looks Can Be Deceiving...

My husband was the last person I’d ever suspect of using crack cocaine. As you will read in subsequent posts of mine, he had the character disorder, covert narcissism. Though drug use can be typical of that character disorder, it was just another thing he hid as he was a covert not overt. 

He was even harder to detect as he didn’t fit the stereotype of this skinny, hollow-eyed, jumpy addict you often see begging for loose change on the street. He was a functioning, stockily built, clear-eyed, seemingly responsible man with no addictions. To the outside world he showed no indications he would even try such a thing.

He also had many sensitivities to perfumes and other chemical scents and claimed he couldn't tolerate a spice stronger than black pepper in his food. He also had a history of lung and breathing problems so it was difficult to imagine him putting anything up his nose or in his mouth that was corrosive. On top of that, he indicated a lot of scorn toward drug users who often panhandled in our area. Even becoming angry with me if I chose to help them by giving them food or loose change.

In hindsight, I can see how he perceived a little too much that he was against that kind of life and far from being about that lifestyle. This led me to believe, after finding out it was actually the opposite, that this was possibly like the saying goes, “One who protests too much about what he hates may be guilty of the same?"

Hiding Addiction

Millions of people have family and friends who are substance abusers, and it's not hidden. A lot are open about it. Often, there is remorse and a genuine willingness to get help for their problems as well. But he wasn't like that. He refused to confess even when it was apparent that he was.

He was not an addict when we first met. We were teenagers back then in the 80s. But about 5 years into the marriage, problems started to come up that were hard to deny were happening. When it was apparent that he had some kind of addiction, I still couldn't wrap my mind around the idea that it was drugs.

Until one day, after finding one more thing I owned stuffed in somewhere that didn’t make sense, a small, still voice in my head said, "Cracked-out husbands do cracked-out stuff." And that’s when I began to consider that this had to be the problem.

The Consequences

A lot of trauma comes from living with someone hiding an addiction or even being candid about it, whether from gambling, street drugs, narcotics, alcohol, etc.

There is an abandonment of trust, feelings of betrayal, and a loss of self after being subjected to much darkness. Along with a lot of:

- Anger
- Anxiety
- Fear
- Depression

I developed C-PTSD from financial abuse. Along with lies and slander by him and anyone he could convince to attack me emotionally and verbally if I dared question anything he was doing.

Along with becoming mentally strained from the anxiety and constant financial and psychological issues, I had gallbladder and digestive problems. I also experienced brain fog, body aches, frequent heart palpitations and blood sugar issues and hair loss. When I tried to leave him, which was several times, I became gauntly thin from the stress of it all. But I would also become very obese from emotionally eating when I moved back home once back into the throes of the relationship drama.

Somehow, I lost faith in a loving God and a dedication to morals as I considered and tried to execute many different and positively insane ways to escape him. Lack of trust in mankind, faith in the future, and a life worth living also went out the window. Suicidal ideation was a frequent visitor after years of financial abuse that prevented me from leaving for good.

All four of my kids suffered emotionally and psychologically. All four started using substances such as marijuana, tobacco and alcohol. Three of four attended psychiatric and counsellor visits and took medications. 

All the while, he sat there during these appointments, lapping up the attention of medical staff who felt sorry for him and “all the trouble he had with me,” never once confessing that his problem had brought this on.

All this shattered my self-worth and self-esteem as I couldn't help or stop what I didn't know. The fear of not being believed (which, in some cases, I wasn't) and having no help or support for many years to escape this situation created immeasurable despair.

This ruined the picture of the idyllic family life I wanted to believe I once had. My foundation and reason to wake up in the morning was gone after years of this. Eventually, my resentment grew towards him as I knew he was lying and doing something that was destroying the family. I couldn't see what, but when I eventually did, I couldn't prove it, leading to some serious madness. 

Once I had come to terms with it, many blanks were filled in on why we suffered so much with confusion and pain. In hindsight, I saw many signs that my intuition was telling me was happening. These indicators may help you, too, especially if you see yourself in my story and are unsure what to think or do.

The Signs I Started To Question

Drug abuse manifests itself through a myriad of physical, behavioural, and psychological clues, that when assembled, can reveal the presence of a substance abuse problem. In the following list are the signs of drug abuse I mostly recognized after the fact, and I hope they may help you better understand and identify this complex issue:

A cocky and arrogant attitude/("cokehead" personality) 

honestly, he already had an entitled attitude, but it became a lot more over the top as time passed. eg, believing he could get away with anything that 100% conflicted with common sense 

Bills weren't getting paid - Utilities were being cut off, and he would claim it was me who was supposed to have paid them even though he handled all that and had for years

Financial Abuse/Secretive about bank accounts and debts  He did everything he could to avoid showing me anything financial. At times, he acted very scary and threatening when I would insist he tell me what the debts and bank statements said. As well, as bankruptcy mediation from unmanageable debt was happening frequently

Giving money/help to deceptive people or organizations instead of honourable causes - All decisions were to make himself look good or in hopes of making more money/getting ahead in some way like image approval and not for the greater good of me and the kids or anyone else 

Talking fast and excessively - Normally slow moving for age 40, 50 plus age, he was sprinting around the house and over talking people in conversations. Excessive hand gestures when speaking were something I noticed as well

Stuff was missing around the house - A metal detector I bought for my sons was one of the missing things of value. I suspected he was selling these things as my house started to look like a trap house. I was also forced to sell items I valued as there was no money to buy groceries in the home to feed my kids.

Claiming "he" was always broke - he said it was my fault as I had asked for too much. "Too much" was essentials such as groceries, clothing, gas for the vehicle, etc. Also, claiming all money made and indicating that "HE made the money".

Decreased appetite and weight loss - where he was overweight and a hefty eater, he was now the opposite

Confusing or dark comments and conversations - Random comments about things that made no sense. Claiming to believe certain life philosophies that were ridiculous. It was like I was talking to an alien. At other times, I thought it was the Devil

 
Finding things stashed in odd places - Things I owned were shoved into random and strange places. Once I found pictures of myself, he took them (and I didn't know he did) and shoved them into a dirty, greasy box of old rusty nails

Legal troubles - such as not paying taxes and shady handshake deals with people I didn't know about until he had to confess due to legal consequences.

Shady friends and acquaintances - he always associated with people with a criminal upbringing or background, such as jail time. When questioned, he claimed they needed his “help” (rides and paid jobs done). He placed more importance on them and what they thought of him than he did us

Delusional ideas and poor decisions - particularly deluded financial choices. Convoluted and grandiose ideas of how much he would make in his dealings that weren’t even close to being reality

Paranoia and suspicion around his health and about other people - obsessed with the idea he may be sick with some disease, that someone is outside the house trying to break in or coming to take possession of our house by threatening us with guns. Also, he left firearms around the house as a "message" to anyone he saw was a threat. That was usually aimed at me.

Borrowing money from people and not paying it back - Including our kids and family members as well as hiding that information from me as well

Obsessively keeping track of other people's money - if I made five dollars from something I sold on a buy and sell page, he was keeping track of it, and I would be subsequently cut off from my allowance. He also tracked who else around him had money and how much.

Secretive behaviour - disappearing for days or weeks, saying he was working even though he worked only two hours from the house and didn't need to sleep away from home (can also mean infidelity which is another symptom of drug use)

Criminal Behaviour - disrespectful attitude toward others. E.g., fraud and stealing, claiming he was “borrowing" from people but never returning. Cheque fraud and not paying taxes and other financial commitments

Mood swings - quiet demeanour switching to anger and acting threatening

Projection of his own issues onto me and others - Whenever I confronted him about anything regarding the above list, he would reply with, “What are you talking about? What are you smoking crack?”

Lying about how much he made on his paycheques - constantly lying about the money coming in. Blaming his workplace for not sending out cheques on time, or cheating him out of being paid for truck driving loads, constantly hiding money from me

Sabotaging my jobs - making sure I couldn't afford fuel in my vehicle to start a career outside the home or making it as difficult as possible for me to keep a job once I got it. The same went for anything that would make me income he couldn't get his hands on. Making me pay for bills with what little amount I did make, so I was always trapped in hardship

Strict Money Allowance - most of the time, I was allowed to have $300/month to live on per month. He tried whatever way he could to take the government child subsidy cheques from me that our country sends every month. Which at times could be as little as $150.

Childish behaviour - resorting back to child-like actions and behaviour eg, trying to get attention with bad behaviour, sitting on the sofa hiding under a blanket when he was caught in the act of lying and confronted

And probably by this time, you're thinking, "How could you have not known earlier?

Simple. He was highly manipulative and sneaky. He could convince anybody of anything easily by the confidence in which he spoke and not looking or acting the part in any way for the longest time. Especially when he was denying that he was doing anything wrong.When he did show signs, it was subtle and explainable. He also deflected all problems onto me, saying everything that happened was all my fault. Which I was convinced of for several years.

I have to add that making me doubt what I heard and saw was the most damaging of all abuses.

Other Signs Something Wasn't Right ....

There were other indications that drugs had infiltrated my life. Ones that are not often discussed that I also recognized after the fact. They are pretty dramatic, and I feel they are essential to include here. One of the most apparent signs was watching many television shows and movies on drug use and selling or making drugs, which he never did before. 

Shows and movies that were primarily true crime and were depressing/violent were something everyone in the house started to watch due to the sad vibe happening in our home. Where we once watched many family-friendly shows at once, it was now all crime dramas. Sensitive family members (me and my kids) had unexplained depression and anger, leading to counselling and psychiatric care with sometimes no explanation as to why other than due to increased financial problems and subsequent stress.

Phantom sounds in the house, and dark figures were seen on the walls. A pervasive feeling of negative energy in the home. Shadows out of the corners of our eyes, including paranormal activity, e.g. banging and knocking inside the house. Along with alot of nightmares.There was also a lot of anger and fighting in the home, agitation, and persistent lousy luck.  E.g., Water problems in the home, land drought, accidents, sickness, etc.; A feeling of being "cursed." There was also this creepy &/or scary/”evil” vibe or repulsive feeling radiating from him. Especially when I asked for explanations about where money was going.

He occasionally would make confusing and dark comments, making remarks about the justification of people selling or using drugs by saying things in passing during conversations such as “If you can't beat them, join them,”  along with scary and bizarre life philosophies. One constant thing was turning the kids against me, claiming I was crazy primarily because I  asked too many questions and demanded accountability from him.

He was blaming me for everything that was happening 100% of the time, claiming I was causing all the listed problems in the house due to me and others using prayer and other spiritual practices to help eradicate the issues, even becoming angry and/or aggressive when spiritual or religious topics would come up.

Often, the most significant sign of a drug user, in my opinion, is avoiding the big pink elephant in the room called addiction. It's never the drugs, etc. fault; it's always going to be you or anyone else they can blame that is the problem!

Due to this multi-year chaos, our financial life was devastated, and we were forced to eventually sell all our assets more than once, which included farmland, machinery, and our house. I had lost everything I loved because of his lies, including the relationship I had with my kids, as he turned them against me when I started to catch on to what the truth was. He refused to confess right up to the bitter end.

What I Learned 

Drug abuse has devastating consequences on family life, affecting the individual with the substance abuse and their loved ones. We dealt with strained relationships on both sides of our family, with breakdowns in communication and a constant sense of turmoil. It is also common for children of adults to grow up in environments with a higher risk of neglect, abuse, and emotional trauma, which can have long-lasting effects. We were no exception. 

The situation became volatile and scary for me, with no apparent resolutions. Regrettably, my kids were very young adults when I was finally able to leave. Though I wished it had been sooner. I initially discouraged myself from persevering due to the guilt and shame of the time I had tried to get away,  I did eventually realize there was help and hope for a bright future despite how long I had been trapped in it.

And that I could be happy and that it was possible to live in a comfortable and safe home with people who take accountability for their actions. And that also strive hard to be healthy and safe for those they claim to love and respect.

Seeking professional help from trusted people was essential in supporting me through this crisis, as they helped sort out my options when this problem couldn't be resolved. Among my initial and long-lasting support was a sister with a background in psychology, that I was very close to. She helped support me in making decisions and got me in contact with a psychiatrist and psychotherapist who had expertise in domestic violence, addiction and character disorders. 

I also had the aid of a few close friends who had experienced domestic abuse or had great contacts in this area; the education and excellent intuitive abilities helped me find other resources and assistance. As well as the encouragement I needed to finally leave for good. Other vital assistance included priests, different spiritual and religious councils, and a high-conflict divorce attorney specializing in domestic violence to help defend me legally in my battle to finally take control of my finances.

Several resources in North America can also provide support for individuals and families dealing with drug abuse and domestic violence. Here are some organizations listed below:

Resources Available

National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA): NIDA, part of the National Institutes of Health, offers a wealth of information, research, and resources on drug addiction, treatment options, and prevention strategies.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): SAMHSA provides a national helpline (1-800-662-HELP) that offers free, confidential assistance in finding treatment facilities, support groups, and resources for substance abuse.

Al-Anon and Nar-Anon Family Groups: These are support groups specifically designed for family members and friends of individuals struggling with alcohol or drug addiction. They offer a safe and understanding environment for sharing experiences and coping strategies.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: For those dealing with domestic violence, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) offers support, information, and resources, including referrals to local organizations and shelters.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV): NCADV is an organization dedicated to addressing domestic violence. They provide information, support, and resources for individuals and families affected by domestic abuse.

Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc.: This organization, based in San Antonio, Texas, focuses on providing shelter and support to victims of domestic violence. They also have resources and information available on their website.

Local Mental Health and Addiction Services: Many cities and states have their own mental health and addiction services agencies that offer counselling, treatment programs, and resources for individuals and families. These can often be found through a quick online search or by contacting your local government.

Community-Based Organizations: Look for local organizations and non-profits focusing on addiction recovery and domestic violence support. They may offer counselling, support groups, and other services tailored to your specific community's needs.


Remember, reaching out for help is a courageous and vital step towards healing and recovery, whether you or a loved one is dealing with drug abuse or domestic violence. These resources are here to provide assistance and support during challenging times.

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Prayer and listening to my God-given intuition were the most significant help I had. It led me to the best paths out of this situation.

As for my spouse, when I could see he would probably never profess remorse or guilt, I knew I could do nothing to help his situation. And he would not likely change for the better.

In the end, I filed for divorce.

My desire and knowing that it was possible to create a happy home, and have a life I love, won over that devastating situation as it kept me dedicated to figuring this problem out.

I am now happy and free, living without him, and I know I'll never have to return to that darkness again. This is what I wish for everyone in the world who is living right now with what I have lived. 



Thank you for reading.



Peace and Love✌️