Covert Narcissistic Abuse: Invisible Homicide
Covert Narcissistic abuse (hidden abuse) is a form of mistreatment that many, including myself, have referred to as "soul rape" or "psychological homicide." It constitutes a pervasive pattern of psychological and emotional manipulation and control employed by individuals with narcissistic personality traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), resulting in the erosion of another human being's sense of self.
This form of abuse is often labelled as "evil" for good reason, given its profoundly traumatic identity-stealing and spirit-crushing behaviours. If left unchecked, it can inflict severe and enduring emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical consequences on its victims, often accompanied by financial devastation.
Statistically, narcissistic abusers are most often males. But as you will read in my other blog stories, females are also quite capable of this type of abuse. With that in mind, for the sake of my readers, I will be using man/woman, male/female etc interchangeably throughout when describing the types of abuse and consequences.
Narcissism Manifests in Two Distinct Forms:
The Insidious Nature of Covert Abuse
What makes covert abuse particularly insidious is that it is more devastating than overt abuse because it blindsides you with unexpected malevolent intentions from someone you were manipulated into believing you could trust.
Many of us are unprepared to recognize the signs of this type of abuse unless we have prior experience with it, as well as we often fail to consider behaviours we would never engage in ourselves.
Many of us are unprepared to recognize the signs of this type of abuse unless we have prior experience with it, as well as we often fail to consider behaviours we would never engage in ourselves.
Personal Experience
I developed Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and other health problems as a result of covert narcissistic abuse such as depression, despair and even brief periods of psychosis, which led to years of suicidal thoughts. I experienced "bipolar" symptoms and had no choice but to accept psychiatric medications for 4 years until I discovered and received trauma-informed care.
I developed Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and other health problems as a result of covert narcissistic abuse such as depression, despair and even brief periods of psychosis, which led to years of suicidal thoughts. I experienced "bipolar" symptoms and had no choice but to accept psychiatric medications for 4 years until I discovered and received trauma-informed care.
The path to recovery has been exceptionally challenging. Over the years, I sought answers to understand what was happening to me and ultimately realized that the harmful aspects of narcissistic abuse were the root cause of the mysterious symptoms I was enduring.
The Motivation Behind This Blog
Covert Narcissistic Abuse was the motivation behind my starting this blog. I wanted to shed light on covert abuse and betrayal as I didn't want anyone to go through what I experienced. My aim is to help protect others from this insidious form of abuse.
Separation & Divorce
Separating &/or divorcing from someone who has NPD marks another chapter that individuals must navigate, often with the unsettling prospect of the abuse intensifying. Many of the behaviours and symptoms listed below escalated when I was trying to break free once and for all (not meaning to instill fear but to create awareness)
In this blog, I will detail the many different aspects of narcissistic abuse and the resources I used to recover.
The Covert Behaviours Of Narcissistic Abuse
The impact of narcissistic abuse can vary from person to person. Below are some of the behaviours I experienced being married to a covert narcissist for 27 years:
1. Emotional Manipulation: Narcissists use emotional manipulation to control and confuse their victims (please see blog post: Master Manipulators for a detailed description). examples are making you feel sorry for them when they are caught doing something wrong. Basically playing the victim when they are clearly in the wrong
2. Gaslighting: They make you doubt your own perceptions, memory, and sanity. You didn't see what you saw or hear what you heard. eg: acting threatening and making coy threats but when confronted, claiming it wasn't what you thought.
3. Isolation: Narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family to maintain control. As well as turning the kids against you. Even starting with subtle degradation of you as a mother/father when your children are very small to full-on alienation of you once you leave.
4. Invalidation: They dismiss your feelings and experiences, making you feel insignificant. Silent treatment and cold shoulder eg: turning over in bed and not answering you when confronting them about serious issues are common behaviours.
2. Gaslighting: They make you doubt your own perceptions, memory, and sanity. You didn't see what you saw or hear what you heard. eg: acting threatening and making coy threats but when confronted, claiming it wasn't what you thought.
3. Isolation: Narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family to maintain control. As well as turning the kids against you. Even starting with subtle degradation of you as a mother/father when your children are very small to full-on alienation of you once you leave.
4. Invalidation: They dismiss your feelings and experiences, making you feel insignificant. Silent treatment and cold shoulder eg: turning over in bed and not answering you when confronting them about serious issues are common behaviours.
5. Constant Criticism: Narcissists nitpick and criticize, eroding your self-esteem. Always disguised as helpful advice”, it's actually passive-aggressive put-downs.
6. Double Standards: They hold you to high standards while exempting you from the same expectations.
7. No Control Over Finances: Narcissists may control your finances to maintain power and dependence. That includes not allowing you to make decisions concerning financially risky decisions such as large purchases or job changes.
8. Lack of Empathy: They lack genuine empathy and don't care about your feelings. It is always what they want and there is not much concern about your wants and needs. They will reject any request you have if it doesn't serve them somehow.
9. Triangulation: Narcissists involve third parties to create jealousy and competition. Often involving their own children in this as well. Going so far as to manipulate them into smear campaigns against you. Instead of fighting their own battles, they get others to attack you to gain an upper hand.
10. Projection: They project their faults and insecurities onto you, making you feel guilty. A narcissist's accusations tend to also be confessions. Whatever they accuse you of, they are more than likely doing themselves.
11. Idealization and Devaluation: They alternate between idealizing and devaluing you to keep you hooked. This is common at the beginning of the relationship. This can repeat in cycles for many years.
12. Narcissistic Rage: Their explosive anger can be frightening and unpredictable. They don't have to show this often. Once is enough to know it's there. This rage causes trauma and any sign of them becoming angry is frightening and can bring on PTSD.
13. Love-Bombing: Initially, they shower you with affection, making it hard to see their true nature. They appear to be the perfect man/woman during the love bombing stage. The affection doesn’t last, as they alternate between that and degradation. This is also done to hook you into the relationship.
12. Narcissistic Rage: Their explosive anger can be frightening and unpredictable. They don't have to show this often. Once is enough to know it's there. This rage causes trauma and any sign of them becoming angry is frightening and can bring on PTSD.
13. Love-Bombing: Initially, they shower you with affection, making it hard to see their true nature. They appear to be the perfect man/woman during the love bombing stage. The affection doesn’t last, as they alternate between that and degradation. This is also done to hook you into the relationship.
14. Hoovering: After a discard phase, they may try to suck you back into the relationship. This is where they become “nice” again. Promises of change, remorse, looking for pity and attempting to make you feel guilty because you left them are common tactics.
15. Enmeshment: They blur boundaries, making it hard to maintain a separate identity. They assume and treat you like you are like them. This causes you to doubt your own character and think maybe you are like them. In short, this causes you to question whether you might be a good person or not and can lead to identity loss.
18. Cycle of Abuse: Narcissists often create a repeating pattern of tension, abuse, apology, and honeymoon phases. This is also known as hovering to get you to concede with what they want.
Mental and Physical Health Effects
Narcissistic abuse can manifest in both physical and mental health problems due to the chronic stress and emotional trauma it inflicts. Some common physical and mental health signs of narcissistic abuse include:
Identity Erosion: Victims may lose their sense of self due to constant invalidation. If this abuse persists, the victim's identity can become overshadowed by the narcissist's, which is a very serious problem.
Anxiety and Depression: Narcissistic abuse can lead to severe mental health issues, including suicide attempts due to the despair of not being able to escape the narcissist. The ongoing emotional manipulation and trauma can contribute to anxiety and depression, with symptoms such as excessive worry, sadness, and changes in appetite or sleep patterns. It can also escalate to psychiatric disorders, psychosis, and bipolar symptoms when coercive control, such as threats of consequences if you leave them, is present.
C-PTSD/Psychosis: Some survivors experience post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of narcissistic abuse. In some cases, long-term narcissistic abuse can lead to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), characterized by symptoms such as flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, panic attacks, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.
Cognitive Problems: Victims may have difficulty concentrating, making decisions, or experience memory problems as a result of the constant emotional turmoil.
Physical Ailments: Chronic stress can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, gastrointestinal issues, and muscle tension. Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience chronic stress, which can result in various health issues:
- High blood pressure
- Heart palpitations
- Gallbladder and liver function issues
- Headaches
- Digestive problems
- Sleep disturbances
- Blood sugar issues
- Weakened immune function
- Chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia
- Hair Loss
Self-Esteem and Self-Worth Issues: Narcissistic abuse can erode a person's self-esteem, leading to feelings of worthlessness, self-doubt, and even self-harming behaviours. Overcoming these effects can take years.
Psychosomatic Symptoms: Some victims may experience physical symptoms that have no apparent medical cause, often as a result of the emotional stress and trauma they endure. (I experienced this very early on in the relationship.)
The effects of narcissistic abuse on a person's physical and mental health can be devastating and long-lasting. Recognizing these signs is a crucial step toward seeking help and healing from the trauma.
Psychosomatic Symptoms: Some victims may experience physical symptoms that have no apparent medical cause, often as a result of the emotional stress and trauma they endure. (I experienced this very early on in the relationship.)
The effects of narcissistic abuse on a person's physical and mental health can be devastating and long-lasting. Recognizing these signs is a crucial step toward seeking help and healing from the trauma.
The Devastation of Financial Abuse (Another Insidious Aspect of Narcissistic Abuse)
This was one of my biggest dilemmas when it came time to escape. If they have control of finances you don’t have a way to support yourself to leave. Plain and simple.
Here are some signs of financial abuse I did not even know was abuse until it was too late:
1. Controlling all the Finances: The abuser controls all the money and financial decisions in the relationship. They deny access to any money, even for basic necessities like groceries or personal items. They often claim they are broke, insinuating you asked for money. eg: giving the victim a limited allowance for monthly expenses, even when there's enough money to cover necessities.
*This can start out as someone acting as though they are taking care of you, but beware, this is the #1 way abusive men and women make sure you don't leave them.
2. Sabotaging Employment & Forbidding Education: Preventing or sabotaging the victim's ability to work or maintain employment. This includes driving your vehicle and draining the gas tank or cutting off gas money etc so you cannot get to your new job to get a paycheque. Insinuations that you are lazy and won't work usually follow these tactics.
3. Stealing Money: Taking money or assets without permission. Draining joint bank accounts and closing them to put all money in one account.
4. Accumulating Debt: Accumulating debt in the victim's name without their consent. That includes applying for credit cards in your name and getting you to sign for credit to buy large items like vehicles, land and mortgages.
5. Forcing Financial Dependence: Making the victim financially dependent on the abuser. eg: spending large amounts of money on the victim during the beginning of the relationship (which the victim becomes dependent on) and then convincing them to not work outside the home.
6. Forcing Signatures: Forging signatures on financial documents or coercing the victim to sign against their will. Usually done in the case of obtaining more credit/debt.
3. Stealing Money: Taking money or assets without permission. Draining joint bank accounts and closing them to put all money in one account.
4. Accumulating Debt: Accumulating debt in the victim's name without their consent. That includes applying for credit cards in your name and getting you to sign for credit to buy large items like vehicles, land and mortgages.
5. Forcing Financial Dependence: Making the victim financially dependent on the abuser. eg: spending large amounts of money on the victim during the beginning of the relationship (which the victim becomes dependent on) and then convincing them to not work outside the home.
6. Forcing Signatures: Forging signatures on financial documents or coercing the victim to sign against their will. Usually done in the case of obtaining more credit/debt.
7. Threats and Intimidation: Using threats or intimidation to make you back off so they can gain control over financial decisions. Implying that you will be leaving broke if you ever divorce them. Reminding you of how you will never be able to survive financially without them.
8. Using Children: Using children to manipulate the victim into compliance, such as threatening to withhold child support. Or teaching the children that the victim is draining him of money.
9. Denying Access to Bank Accounts: The victim is denied access to joint bank accounts or is kept unaware of financial account details.
10. Ruining Credit: Deliberately damaging the victim's credit score. This includes using the victim's name to rack up debt and withholding money to make payments on that debt to ruin the chances of the victim leaving. This can have long-term financial consequences, making it difficult for the victim to secure loans or housing in the future.
11. Making Financial Decisions without Consent: Making major financial decisions, like selling property or assets, without involving the victim in the decisions.
14. Forbidding Financial Independence: Discouraging or preventing the victim from opening their own bank accounts or managing their own finances.
15. Social or Economic Isolation: Forcing the victim to cut ties with friends or family who could offer financial assistance or support.
8. Using Children: Using children to manipulate the victim into compliance, such as threatening to withhold child support. Or teaching the children that the victim is draining him of money.
9. Denying Access to Bank Accounts: The victim is denied access to joint bank accounts or is kept unaware of financial account details.
10. Ruining Credit: Deliberately damaging the victim's credit score. This includes using the victim's name to rack up debt and withholding money to make payments on that debt to ruin the chances of the victim leaving. This can have long-term financial consequences, making it difficult for the victim to secure loans or housing in the future.
11. Making Financial Decisions without Consent: Making major financial decisions, like selling property or assets, without involving the victim in the decisions.
14. Forbidding Financial Independence: Discouraging or preventing the victim from opening their own bank accounts or managing their own finances.
15. Social or Economic Isolation: Forcing the victim to cut ties with friends or family who could offer financial assistance or support.
16. Controlling Documentation: Keeping important financial documents, like IDs or passports, away from the victim. As well as income tax and bank statements.
17. Gaslighting & Making the Victim Accountable: Manipulating the victim into thinking they are irresponsible or incapable of managing money. Blaming the victim for any financial difficulties or crises, even if it's obvious they are caused by the abuser. This becomes brainwashing as it's repeated to you countless times that you are the cause of the narcissist being "broke" and you eventually begin to believe it.
The Devastating Consequences of Financial Abuse
Financial abuse in a marriage can have profound and far-reaching problems, not only on the financial well-being of the victim but also on their emotional, psychological, and physical health.
Here are some of the consequences of financial abuse in a marriage:
Financial Dependence: The victim may become financially dependent on the abuser, making it challenging for them to leave the abusive relationship. This dependence can result in a sense of helplessness and an inability to support themselves and their children.
Isolation: Financial abusers often use control over money as a means to isolate their partners from friends and family. The victim may not have the financial means to maintain social connections, making them more vulnerable to the abuser's manipulation.
Stress and Anxiety: Victims of financial abuse often experience significant stress and anxiety due to their uncertain financial situation. The constant fear of not having access to funds can lead to chronic stress, which may have adverse effects on both mental and physical health.
Low Self-Esteem: Financial abuse can erode the victim's self-esteem and self-worth. The constant belittling, criticism, or threats related to money can make the victim feel inadequate, which may extend to other aspects of their life.
Impaired Credit and Financial Health: Financial abusers may run up debts in the victim's name or damage their credit score. This can have long-term financial consequences, making it difficult for the victim to secure loans or housing in the future.
Health Problems: The stress and anxiety resulting from financial abuse can contribute to physical health problems, such as insomnia, high blood pressure, and digestive issues.
Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Victims of financial abuse often experience emotional and psychological trauma. They may develop symptoms of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Children's Well-Being: If children are involved, they may witness the financial abuse and suffer the consequences as well. They may experience instability, insecurity, and emotional trauma.
Difficulty Leaving the Abusive Relationship: Financial abuse can be a significant barrier to leaving an abusive marriage. The victim may lack the financial means to escape the situation and provide for themselves and their children.
Individuals experiencing financial abuse need to seek help and support from professionals, such as therapists, counsellors, and legal experts.
Additionally, organizations and shelters specializing in domestic violence can provide resources and guidance for victims looking to escape abusive situations and regain their financial independence.
Spiritual Abuse
Spirituality, in its essence, is meant to be a source of solace and guidance, a sanctuary for the soul in a chaotic world. However, when faith is manipulated, trust is exploited, and beliefs are weaponized, the very essence of spirituality becomes tainted.
We will shed light on the various forms it can take, its lasting scars on the psyche and spirit, and the road to recovery and healing. Spiritual abuse had profound and complex consequences on me and my individual spirituality and overall well-being. In particular, it attributed to my mental health crisis.
The Spiritual Abuse I Experienced
1. My spiritual and religious beliefs were mocked and ridiculed
2. Claiming his abusive behaviour was attributed to me praying for him or implementing other spiritual practices into our life
Consequences of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse had profound and complex consequences on me and my individual spirituality and overall well-being. In particular, it attributed to my mental health crisis. Below is a list of the consequences it had on me:
Loss of Faith, Fear, Guilt, Shame & Questioning Beliefs: A loss of faith or a crisis of belief due to the manipulation. They may question their beliefs and struggle to find a sense of certainty or purpose. Developing a fear of engaging in spirituality or religious activities due to associated trauma can be a result as well.
Religious Trauma Syndrome: Developing symptoms associated with Religious Trauma Syndrome, such as anxiety or depression linked to having a religious/spiritual connection or experiences.
Recovery and Healing
I emphasize the possibility of healing through therapy, support groups, and personal exploration of spirituality after escaping an abusive situation.
It's important for those who have experienced spiritual abuse to seek professional help or counselling to address these spiritual consequences and work toward healing and rebuilding their spiritual beliefs in a healthy and empowering way. I've found that there are also many books out there that helped immensely.
Navigating the tumultuous waters of narcissistic abuse requires not only resilience but also knowledge and support. It's here that the power of books and resources comes into play. In the pages of these works, survivors can find solace, guidance, and a roadmap to recovery such as I did.
1. Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare by Shahida Arabi
2. The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza
3. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
4. Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People by Jackson MacKenzie
5. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon
6. Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse" by Jackson MacKenzie
7. Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary
8. Becoming the Narcissist's Worst Nightmare by Shahida Arabi
9. Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi
10. Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas
11. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program by Melanie Tonia Evans
12. Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery by Don Barlow
Popular Authors & Abuse Recovery Course Creators
1. Shahida Arabi
2. Melanie Tonia Evans
3. Les Carter
4. Kim Saaed
5. Darren F. Magee
6. Dr. Phil
7. Dr. David Clarke
8. Dr. George Simon
9. Don Barlow
The Biggest Comeback Is Making Yourself Happy Again
Remember, if you are experiencing this type of abuse, you possess the power to set boundaries, choose healthy relationships, and prioritize your well-being.
Preventing narcissistic abuse is not solely about recognizing red flags and seeking safety; it also involves fostering a world where empathy, kindness, and healthy relationships can thrive. It's about empowering ourselves and others to confront the manipulators and controllers, and reclaim our identities, by standing up against the bullies who seek to dominate us.
I feel that by helping to prevent others from falling victim to this insidious abuse and aiding in their recovery, we can build a world where love, respect, and understanding triumph over manipulation and cruelty. In that, I hope that all of you who will come out the other side can become a beacon of hope for others, lighting the path to a life free from narcissistic abuse.
Keep moving forward, and may your future be filled with healing, growth, and the love and respect you truly deserve.
Thank You for Reading.
Peace & Love ✌️
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